I managed to get to 9 miles… but it still wasn’t enough.
I said in my last blog that I’d been injured, and that I had until the end of January to decide whether I would defer London or go ahead.
Well, the end of January came, and I was still stuck.
I was struggling to get above 9 miles. My calves were still tight and, although it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been before, it also wasn’t fixed. Not properly. Not in a way that gave me confidence.
And that’s the part that people don’t always understand.
It wasn’t just the pain — it was the constant doubt. The fear. The “what if this gets worse again?” running through my head every time I laced up.
I have run London once before and I wanted so much to do it again. But this time I wasn’t just running for myself — I was running for a different charity, Cardiomyopathy. Along with the pressure of training comes the fundraising aspect too. The responsibility. The feeling that people are backing you, believing in you.
Maybe I was looking at it wrong, but I didn’t just want to “run London.” I wanted to do it properly. I wanted to run it to the best of my ability — for the charity and for my brother.
But I had to be realistic.
My heart was telling me to go ahead and everything would be okay. My head was telling me to be sensible.
I’ve been injured during a marathon before after not training properly, and it was hideous — truly hideous. I promised myself I would never put my body through that again.
I also knew I had to make a decision for the charity too, because I was no good to them — or to myself — if I got to the start line injured and failed. I would have been devastated. So disappointed in myself. And I would still have to raise the money.
So one morning I sat down, took a deep breath, and wrote the email. I explained that because of my injury, I felt I needed to defer. Not because I didn’t want it enough, and not because I wasn’t trying, but because I couldn’t stand the thought of taking that place from someone who was healthy and ready — someone who could actually run.
“The hardest part isn’t how far I have to go- it’s trusting that I will get there”
The charity were brilliant, and I’ve been told I have a place for next year.
So for now, London has to wait.
And so do I.
This year is going to be about making my body stronger — not punishing it, not forcing it, but strengthening it and supporting it. I plan on entering a few 10 milers and half marathons, building back up properly and without fear.
And I also need to be honest about something else.
I’m perimenopausal.
And never, ever did I think my body could take such a pounding from it. My weight, my memory, my muscle mass, my energy — everything has taken a hit.
I am desperately trying to feel like myself again, but I’m not sure how that will go. I am on medication and it is helping, but it still needs work.
And so do I.
Because if I’m being really honest, this injury hasn’t just been about my calves. It’s been about my body changing in ways I don’t recognise. It’s been about feeling like I’ve lost control of something I used to trust.
And I think that’s the part I haven’t really talked about yet.
So that’s what I’m writing next.
Motivated To Run
M x
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